Core practice: understanding emotions
Our emotions evolved as a signalling system. They provide incredibly important information about ourselves and others. It's less a matter of "managing" emotions and more a matter of paying attention to the intelligence that we all have. Many of us grew up not knowing how to express emotions or in environments that didn't encourage their expression. The good news is that you can learn at any stage of your journey. Expressing our emotions more clearly can:
Emotions are indicators of your motivation system. When things are going well, when you needs are being met, you get a certain set of emotions like happiness, joy, appreciation, relaxed. When things aren't going according to plan it can well be your emotions that are first to pop up with a response. This is when feelings like agitation, anxious, and cranky are trying to tell you something. Glennon Doye put it beautifully when she said, "If you are uncomfortable -- in deep pain, angry, yearning, confused -- you don't have a problem, you have a life. Being human is hard not because you're doing it wrong (sic), it's hard because you're doing it right. You will never change the fact that being human is hard, so you must change your idea that it was ever supposed to be easy." The quote resonated with me because when you get these emotions like anger, yearning or confusion, we somehow want to manage or numb them, but they're really important parts of our motivation system telling us that somethings not working well. Anger might tell us that we value fairness and something unfair has just occurred. Anxious might tell us that we're not loving our current job and it's not the workload but the lack of growth in our role that makes us feel small and stuck. Cranky might tell us that we need more sleep and our love of Netflix shows and/or wine at night isn't serving us. The point is that the emotions will tell you what you care about and will let you know what feeds your soul.
Our task today is to help expand the range of words you use for emotions and help you get better at pinpointing what's being signalled when strong emotions come along. The list at the bottom of this page can help you expand your understanding of your emotional state and better tend to the unmet need that's behind the feeling.
How to start
1. As soon as a strong emotion comes up, breathe.
2. Give it a moment to be seen and named. For example, "I'm feeling anxious about the workday ahead."
3. If possible can you recall the thought that triggered the emotion. For example, "I feel like I'm not good at what I do."
4. Possibly rename the emotion if you need to. For example, "I'm feeling inadequate and a bit sad about that."
5. Give a bit of love to yourself. Compassion here is very important. You're allowed to feel this way, and it's important in acknowledging the information you're getting. This is important data about YOU. We need to see it, hear it, and understand it to take the right action.
6. Using the emotion you've got, can you see what need isn't being met or what the next smallest step is for you to take action. For example, if I'm feeling inadequate, I value competency and my need to feel competent isn't being met. I can spend some time each week training, working with a mentor or coach, or I can do something related to my work that does make me feel competent.
7. Name 3 specific things today that you can do to help satisfy the need. For example," I can send 20 outreach emails for my work, I can film some content for my social media channel, I can get the phone number of someone to coach or mentor me."
Reflection questions
These are some things to consider when doing this or any practice. Use them sparingly. It's not a check-list, rather something to consider briefly.
Our emotions evolved as a signalling system. They provide incredibly important information about ourselves and others. It's less a matter of "managing" emotions and more a matter of paying attention to the intelligence that we all have. Many of us grew up not knowing how to express emotions or in environments that didn't encourage their expression. The good news is that you can learn at any stage of your journey. Expressing our emotions more clearly can:
- Calm you
- Help you identify emotions in others
- Ease worry
- Bring a sense of simplicity
- Reduce overwhelm
- Improve focus
- Regroup when upset
Emotions are indicators of your motivation system. When things are going well, when you needs are being met, you get a certain set of emotions like happiness, joy, appreciation, relaxed. When things aren't going according to plan it can well be your emotions that are first to pop up with a response. This is when feelings like agitation, anxious, and cranky are trying to tell you something. Glennon Doye put it beautifully when she said, "If you are uncomfortable -- in deep pain, angry, yearning, confused -- you don't have a problem, you have a life. Being human is hard not because you're doing it wrong (sic), it's hard because you're doing it right. You will never change the fact that being human is hard, so you must change your idea that it was ever supposed to be easy." The quote resonated with me because when you get these emotions like anger, yearning or confusion, we somehow want to manage or numb them, but they're really important parts of our motivation system telling us that somethings not working well. Anger might tell us that we value fairness and something unfair has just occurred. Anxious might tell us that we're not loving our current job and it's not the workload but the lack of growth in our role that makes us feel small and stuck. Cranky might tell us that we need more sleep and our love of Netflix shows and/or wine at night isn't serving us. The point is that the emotions will tell you what you care about and will let you know what feeds your soul.
Our task today is to help expand the range of words you use for emotions and help you get better at pinpointing what's being signalled when strong emotions come along. The list at the bottom of this page can help you expand your understanding of your emotional state and better tend to the unmet need that's behind the feeling.
How to start
1. As soon as a strong emotion comes up, breathe.
2. Give it a moment to be seen and named. For example, "I'm feeling anxious about the workday ahead."
3. If possible can you recall the thought that triggered the emotion. For example, "I feel like I'm not good at what I do."
4. Possibly rename the emotion if you need to. For example, "I'm feeling inadequate and a bit sad about that."
5. Give a bit of love to yourself. Compassion here is very important. You're allowed to feel this way, and it's important in acknowledging the information you're getting. This is important data about YOU. We need to see it, hear it, and understand it to take the right action.
6. Using the emotion you've got, can you see what need isn't being met or what the next smallest step is for you to take action. For example, if I'm feeling inadequate, I value competency and my need to feel competent isn't being met. I can spend some time each week training, working with a mentor or coach, or I can do something related to my work that does make me feel competent.
7. Name 3 specific things today that you can do to help satisfy the need. For example," I can send 20 outreach emails for my work, I can film some content for my social media channel, I can get the phone number of someone to coach or mentor me."
Reflection questions
These are some things to consider when doing this or any practice. Use them sparingly. It's not a check-list, rather something to consider briefly.
- How do I feel right now?
- What is happening in my mind? (eg. calm, clear, relaxed, tense)
- What is happening in my body? (eg. calm, clear, relaxed, tense)
- How is my breath? (eg. slow, deep, shallow, fast)
- What happened for me during this practice? In my mind? Body? Did anything change?
- How easy was it for me to name the emotion?
- How did the practice feel? (eg. good, strange, enjoyable, challenging)
Feelings when your needs are satisfied*
|
GRATEFUL
appreciative moved thankful touched INSPIRED amazed awed wonder JOYFUL amused delighted glad happy jubilant pleased tickled EXHILARATED blissful ecstatic elated enthralled exuberant radiant rapturous thrilled |
HOPEFUL
expectant encouraged optimistic CONFIDENT empowered open proud safe secure EXCITED amazed animated ardent aroused astonished dazzled eager energetic enthusiastic giddy invigorated lively passionate surprised vibrant |
AFFECTIONATE
compassionate friendly loving open hearted sympathetic tender warm ENGAGED absorbed alert curious engrossed enchanted entranced fascinated interested intrigued involved spellbound stimulated |
PEACEFUL
calm clear headed comfortable centered content equanimous fulfilled mellow quiet relaxed relieved satisfied serene still tranquil trusting REFRESHED enlivened rejuvenated renewed rested restored revived |
Feelings when your needs are not satisfied
|
ANNOYED
aggravated dismayed disgruntled displeased exasperated frustrated impatient irritated irked ANGRY enraged furious incensed indignant irate livid outraged resentful AVERSION animosity appalled contempt disgusted dislike hate horrified hostile repulsed CONFUSED ambivalent baffled bewildered dazed hesitant lost mystified perplexed puzzled torn |
DISQUIET
agitated alarmed discombobulated disconcerted disturbed perturbed rattled restless shocked startled surprised troubled turbulent turmoil uncomfortable uneasy unnerved unsettled upset EMBARRASSED ashamed chagrined flustered guilty mortified self-conscious FATIGUE beat burnt out depleted exhausted lethargic listless sleepy tired weary worn out |
PAIN
agony anguished bereaved devastated grief heartbroken hurt lonely miserable regretful remorseful SAD depressed dejected despair despondent disappointed discouraged disheartened forlorn gloomy heavy hearted hopeless melancholy unhappy wretched DISCONNECTED alienated aloof apathetic bored cold detached distant distracted indifferent numb removed uninterested withdrawn |
TENSE
anxious cranky distressed distraught edgy fidgety frazzled irritable jittery nervous overwhelmed restless stressed out VULNERABLE fragile guarded helpless insecure leery reserved sensitive shaky YEARNING envious jealous longing nostalgic pining wistful AFRAID apprehensive dread foreboding frightened mistrustful panicked petrified scared suspicious terrified wary worried |
*This list is from the work by the Center for Nonviolent Communication. It's an excellent starting point and by no means exhaustive. There are many more feelings and emotions our there. I strongly recommend reading their books and doing the CNVC courses if you're interested in developing your skills in this area more. They can be emailed here.